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Monday, February 14, 2011

Down the Rabbit Hole

Have you ever felt that you've lost yourself? Who you've become is not the person you picture in your mind? It's as if you fell down the proverbial rabbit hole and can't figure out how you got there, and worse, how to get back out! I was listening to some great music (well, great to me), the soundtrack from Peter Gunn (ok, so now I'm really dating myself) and the image I had of myself decades ago appeared so clearly and in such detail that I startled myself. I studied her carefully, taking in all the subtle nuances in addition to the obvious details, and then looked at the reality of who I had become - not even close! Do I have to stay trapped in this altered universe? How do I get back to who I really am?

Since "perception is 9/10ths of reality", I have decided to accept my perception of reality as real - I mean really REAL. If I'm colour blind, what do I care if the grass is really green? My reality would say that it's red. Living my life denying my own perception of reality because someone else's perception is more "real" doesn't change the fact that my grass is red, and that red grass is going to show up in anything that I do that is genuine, that is truly who I am. So, what is my reality?
  • No, I'm not 18 any more, but I have the mind of an 18-year-old. 
  • I've lived long enough for life to beat cynicism into me, but in my heart I'm naive and positive. 
  • Time has shown me that people can let me down, but in my mind people live up to what you expect of them, and will respond to kindness with kindness, love with love, patience with patience and honour with honour. 
  • Events have revealed the ineffectiveness and futility of my meager efforts to improve the world, but my perceived reality is that the world should be a better place because a man/woman has lived. 
I've come to envelope myself with mature clothes and embrace black, but that's not me. I see myself wearing high heels, tight pants, leopard print shirt, red and black and arty jewelry. The reality is that I don't feel comfortable in the rabbit hole - it's not a pleasant place for me. I'm depressed here and anxious and see no hope, just further decline and deterioration. I don't want to live there any more. It's time to see the real me again. All right, maybe I won't go buy a pair of 5" stilletto's, but I'm going to keep playing the music that reminds me that I am who I perceive myself to be, and that my perception is vital to recreating my reality.


  1. Hi Vickie,
    I like the painting. It feels like you have surrounded the rabbit hole with protective devices to keep you from falling down the hole . Maybe it is your protective armor or even the necklace you made to keep you safe from scary things.

  2. I appreciate your comments, Jilly, and I think you make a good point. Sometimes I feel my work is very "prickly" and maybe that is what I'm trying to do subconsciously - protect the "real" me. Hmmmmm........